Originally appeared on E! Online
Content warning: This story discusses suicide.
Hilaria Baldwin is looking back at a dark chapter in Alec Baldwin's life.
According to the TLC star, her husband contemplated ending his own life following the 2021 shooting of "Rust" cinematographer Halyna Hutchins, who died after being struck by a live round discharged from a prop gun in Alec's hand on the New Mexico set of the Western movie.
"I found these text messages the other day between us," Hilaria told a friend on the March 2 episode of "The Baldwins." "He said he wanted to kill himself."
In a confessional, the 41-year-old explained how Alec was struggling with "survivor's guilt" when he sent those alarming messages.
"He wishes it were him," she continued. "He would change places in a second."
Sharing how the 66-year-old often "goes back to that day" in his mind, Hilaria said the fatal incident has "affected his health and his mental health tremendously."
"All of the sudden, he started having heart problems," she added of Alec, who she's been married to since 2012. "He's been hospitalized multiple times."
READ Alec Baldwin Details Having PTSD After Fatal Rust Shooting
In fact, Hilaria said the "30 Rock" alum has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) since Hutchins' death.
"Everyone who is close to Alec has seen his mental health decline," she on the Feb. 23 episode of the reality series. "He says in his darkest moments, 'If an accident had to have happened this day, why am I still here? Why couldn't it have been me?'"
And for Alec, he's also seen how the ordeal has taken a toll on his family, which includes his seven kids with Hilaria. (Alec also shares daughter Ireland Baldwin with ex Kim Basinger.)
"I always feel more in pain about you than me," he told Hilaria on "The Baldwins." "I think what it's done to you and how much it's hurt you."
Ultimately, an involuntary manslaughter case against Alec was dismissed in July 2024, when a judge found that authorities withheld evidence from the defense after bullets believed to be related to the "Rust" shooting were filed under a different case number.
Since then, Alec filed a civil lawsuit for malicious prosecution and civil rights violations.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or chat live at
988lifeline.org. You can also visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional support.
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